So Thankful.

During this time of year, I always reflect back on the things in my life that I've been blessed with.  The last few years have had some highs, but have had very many lows.  Since August 26th, all of our hard times seem to make a little more sense.  This year, I'm more thankful than I have ever been.  I have family and friends that love me, and I love them.  My husband is perfect for me, and our son is a blessing from God.  To Him, I am thankful for so much more than I deserve.

Each day, I understand more and more why things have happened, and even though the hard times still cut deep, I am thankful.  After a conversation with a wonderful friend yesterday, I am trying to find the words to express how I feel and to further share our adoption story.  I'm going to give it a shot...

Daniel and I met a family at the dirt track, of all places, who had two beautiful Korean girls, along with a handsome biological son.  At first glance, I looked at Daniel and a cousin that was there with us and said, "I have to go talk to that lady."  I knew in my heart right then, that our dream to adopt wasn't just a passion, it could be a reality.  So, I approached the mother of the three beautiful children and realized right off of the bat that she was just who I needed to meet, at the exact right time.  God was a big part of her family's life, and He had led them to Holt International and to the Korea program.  She told her family's story to Daniel and I, and gave us the Holt website.  Two weeks later, I went to the website and saw two little boys that grabbed my attention.  One little boy already had a family who had decided to proceed with his adoption, and the other little boy was still waiting for a family.  I called Daniel and told him about the two little boys, took a picture of the picture of Bak Ha-su with my phone, and sent it to him.  He told me to go for it.  So, I filled out the Waiting Child application.  I received the file on both little boys, and was told if we wanted to proceed on the little boy who already had a family, we could, but we would have to go before committee with that family.  Daniel and I had already agreed that if a family had already agreed to proceed, we would not step in their way.  This other little boy is precious, and we felt that he was just right for our family.  The next day, I took Bak Ha-su's file to have it reviewed by a local doctor.  He is not a pediatrician, but I trust him, and he said he saw nothing serious in his file.  I immediately called Daniel, and then immediately called Holt. And emailed them. ;)  Holt told me that two more families had Bak Ha-su's file, and they would have two weeks to decide if they, too, wanted to proceed with his adoption.  A few days later, there was only one family left to decide.  Almost two weeks later, we received word that that the other family had declined to proceed, and we did not have to go before committee.  I asked why the other family backed out, and Holt could not tell me.  I did ask if it was a medical reason, and was told, "no."  It didn't make sense, but it was such a relief.  We knew we wanted Ha-su to a part of our family and didn't understand why it would take another family two weeks to decide, when we knew immediately?!?  Bak Ha-su was our son, and that was exactly what we wanted to hear!  Through this whole process, we have said how blessed we were, and how God had his hand in our adoption the entire time.  Most families have to go before committee, and do not get the first couple of children that they fall in love with.  Yes, you do fall in love with those referral pictures...almost immediately!  Everything in our process, besides the wait and my anxieties, were perfect.  Looking back, it was such a smooth ride.  I think it was easier because we were so ignorant of the adoption process.  We didn't know to be looking for legals, EP submission, I-600 Approvals, Visa Physicals, etc.  Last Thanksgiving and Christmas were hard.  First, because we were no longer pregnant.  Second, because our son was in Korea experiencing his first major holidays with someone else.  I am now thankful that John McRae got to experience his 100 day celebration, first Christmas, first birthday in his birth country with his amazing foster family.  I'm thankful that he can always have that, and that I can always have the photos of those special times.  I'm so happy to know that I have that picture of him in his fancy red outfit, his foster mother, and a nun in front on a manger scene in South Korea.  His foster family loved him dearly, provided for him, took him everywhere and shaped him into the wonderful little boy he is.  They deserved those times with him. 

So, back to my conversation yesterday, and a better understanding of that mysterious family. ;)

A week or two before John McRae came home, I received a message from a lady who had also had children adopted from South Korea, and they had also been escorted in to the Memphis airport.  She was very helpful, and I could tell that she and her husband had a huge, Godly heart.  They didn't even know us, but felt led to do nice things for us, to guide us, to make our Family Day perfect.  I've kept in touch with this family, and yesterday, I emailed some recent photos of John McRae to them.  I received an email back that the second photo looked a lot like a child that they had requested a file on.  She couldn't remember his family name, but his name was Ha-su.  I immediately felt chills run up and down my body.  I knew then that, they were the "other family."  So, I emailed back, but also called because I had to know more!  I asked if the family name was Bak, date of birth, and certain other details....AND IT WAS CONFIRMED!  I'd been friends with the other family all of this time!!!  Here's the amazing part.  Even before we received John McRae's file, God was telling this lady's husband that this wasn't their child, he belonged to someone else.  This was a strong feeling that my friend didn't understand.  They had several things going on, and she wanted Ha-su to be her daughter's sibling!  I think it was pretty sticky around there house for a while. :)  During our two week wait on the other family, they got another referral.  That is when we got the call that Ha-su was ours!  See, this family had had John McRae's file for some time, requesting additional medical tests to be done, and I believe they had his file before he made it to the waiting child photo listing.  It takes my breath away to know that God was telling this man that John McRae belonged to us, even before we knew John McRae existed!  That's powerful!  I always felt that John McRae was meant to be ours and that this adoption was His plan for us.  I now know that to be 100% true.  I feel so blessed that we finally put 2 & 2 together, and I understand more and more about our adoption process, and about God's plan for our lives.  It is so amazing that this special family will actually get to know John McRae, and know where the little boy who's picture they fell in love with lives, goes to school, and they can know for sure that he found the perfect forever family who love him very much!  Isn't that amazing! 

While we declined to proceed on a child because a family had already attached to him, this family done the same thing for us.  We had written proof that another family wished to proceed on the other little boy, they just had a gut feeling.  Awesome!

There are so many more specifics I could share, but this is a really emotional time for both of our families.  I probably should have waited until my thoughts were clear, and I could write this with more clarity.  I just couldn't wait.  It's Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful.  We have so much to be thankful for.  This isn't a coincidence.  This is God's work!  We've learned so much, we've made so many friends that we will treasure forever, we've grown up, we've developed a better understanding of our purpose on Earth and we have the most amazing little boy in the entire world!  John McRae's smile is amazing, and he touches so many people's lives in a way they can't explain.  He is a shining light to our family that pulls us through hard times.  He started blessing our lives way before he even made it to MS! 

I ask that all of you who read this who pray, to please pray for North and South Korea.  Things might get really ugly there.  Please pray for the people who live there, run the countries, the babies there awaiting adoption, those who have been matched and are waiting to come home, for the families here who are so worried about their children who are still in Korea and can't bring them home yet and those who will be traveling to and from Korea.  With the anxieties we face in the adoption process, I can't even imagine throwing this worry into the mix. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!
Much love,
The Benefields

TGIF!

Yay, it's Friday!  The sad thing is that the thing I'm most looking forward to is cleaning our filthy house tomorrow.  MIL is going to keep the kiddo, and I'm going to roll my sleeves up and get to work!  You know it is bad when you've been looking for your keys for 3 days. 

It's not even Thanksgiving yet, but I'm getting into the Christmas spirit a little.  I know, I know, I'm as bad as Wal-Mart, but at least I'm not already planning for Valentine's Day.  It always gripes a me a little that before you can find what you need for one holiday, it is all pushed to the back to where you can't find it because the merchandise is out for the next two holidays.  I'm too much of a procrastinator to buy that early to take advantage of finding the good stuff.  Anyhoo, back to my "Tis the Season" mood...  I see a lot of people already putting up their tree and other decorations and I think it is great!  Celebrating Christ's birth should always be in season. :)  Most of my shopping is done, just a few more things to pick up.  I usually wait until Christmas Eve, or the day before, but I know my life is way too crazy now for such as that.  So while I'm in the mood, I think we may put up the tree this weekend.  (It's actually in the shed, with lights, decorated, just as it was last Christmas.)  It's also the size of a Charlie Brown tree.  So, it should take all of 5 minutes to get the tree set up, and another 2 months to get in habit of saying, "John McRae!  Do not pull that tree over.  John McRae! Do not take those ornaments off.  John McRae!  Don't eat that.  John McRae! You are going to get electrocuted.  Maybe I should wait a few more weeks...
I'm very optimistic that this Christmas will be much more merry than previous Christmases.  Having a child brings a whole new outlook on celebrating holidays and gives you a little more motivation to go through the motions of it all without complaining that you have to be here, there, and every where all at the same time.  After losing Papa & Tuff so recently, the holiday will be sad in a way, but at least we have precious memories and many other blessings to help keep our head up.  Tuff was our only child for 5 years.  So of course, we always bought for him as any caring parents would do, dressed him up in Christmas clothes for pictures.  Gosh I miss my pup. :*(

For those of you who follow for John McRae updates, here they are. :)

19 things about John McRae at 19 Months...
1.) Today is the fourth day in a row that he has not cried when I dropped him off at daycare.
2.) He prefers milk and water.  He'd rather have either over juice or tea any day.
3.) John McRae waves at everyone passing by.  Even if he is inside and hears a car go by.  He's so friendly and doesn't understand why everyone doesn't wave back!
4.) John McRae loves our cows, and pretty much cows in general.  When he sees one he immediately says, "moo."
5.) Besides moo, John McRae says, "mama."  He hums pretty much everything else you try to get him to say.  He is definitely attempting the whole talking thing a lot more these days, though.
6.) He still can not stand for water to touch his head!  He still screams bloody murder EVERY night when I pour the water on his head to wash it, and then when I rinse it.  It's like it hurts him all over, and just thoroughly ticks him off all at the same time!
7.) John McRae is still sleeping with us, but I can say that he is sleeping more sound and sleeps through the night.
8.) The new toy of choice is blocks these days.  He will put together all of one color.  Then, he'll put together all of another color.  He's a smart kid!
9.) My boy eats. like. a. machine.  You can't fill him up!
10.) We are seeing even more of his personality.  He is the sweetest baby in the mornings, but he has the mentality of "John McRae's way or the highway!" 
11.) John McRae has learned to tell us no by shaking his head.  This really annoys me to NO end. ;)  He can also shake yes. 
12.) John McRae loves corn, bread, green beans and cheese.  I'm so happy that he actually enjoys vegetables!
13.) He knows just how to push our buttons and really thinks it is hilarious. 
14.) John McRae loves to look at pictures.  Especially those of himself.
15.) He still has the sweetest smile that instantly puts a smile on our faces.  His laugh is so precious. 
16.) John McRae still doesn't ride long distances well, but Barney helps it.
17.) He does not care for the dark.  He especially doesn't like riding in the car when it is dark.
18.) John McRae is playing by himself well.  You can see his little imagination running wild.  It's a sweet site!
19.)  John McRae has stolen our hearts, and seems to be attaching and bonding to Daniel and I so well.  He's an answered prayer, and our prayers regarding his transition and bonding are still being answered every day!

Love,
The Benefields :)

Halloween Weekend

Friday ...

Stacy had a Forestry Summit at the Old Capitol in Jackson.  So, Daniel took John McRae to daycare and picked him up for the first time.  John McRae's daycare held their Halloween party, and dressed as a MSU football player.  We have no pics of this event, but loads of candy came home with him!

 THANKS A LOT TO STEPHANIE MOLLETT FOR MAKING ME LOOK LIKE THE BAD MOM THAT DIDN'T SEND GOODY BAGS!  YOU KNOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KEEP ME IN THE KNOW!  I take no responsibility ;)!

 Friday evening we were all pooped, we just chilled out.

Stacy & Lt. Gov. Phil Bryant

Stacy & Emily in front of the Old Capitol in Jackson, MS

As Cecil, Ken and I were leaving the meeting, we saw this cat carry this dead rat (?) down the tracks.  Jackson has some classy, historic places, but it is pretty hood. LOL

Old Capitol

Saturday morning...

We got dressed and went to Sandersville for their fall festival.  We got there at 11:30, and it didn't start until 1:00pm.  In D's defense, he was told it started "around lunch."  So, we went to Laurel and got a bit to each, stopping back by the festival.  We enjoyed seeing some friends, and some yummy cotton candy!  Here is the only picture we took there.

Saturday evening...

We parked at Cousin Lisa's and walked to Enterprise's fall festival.  It was so nice to see so many of our friends and family all together having a good time.  There were so many booths with yummy food, a mechanical bull, pony rides, a jumping thingy, and a big screen tv for the folks wanting to see the football scores!  We were so busy, we never made time to eat.  I really wanted to kick myself in the rear when I came home and ate that can of ravioli.

A few pics...

Sunday...

JMc went with his Gran to church.  D & S done a little house cleaning and went to Meridian making it home just in time to get to our church's fall festival.  It was a lot of fun, and JMc really enjoyed himself!  We all did!

and here is what you came for anyway...



Foster care adoption facts

Foster care adoption facts


On any given day in North America, more than 500,000 children are in the foster care system, and nearly 145,000 of them are available for adoption, just waiting for the right family to find them.



•There are 423,773 children in the U.S. foster care system; 114,556 of these children are available for adoption. Their birth parent's legal rights have been permanently terminated and children are left without a family.

•More children become available for adoption each year than are adopted. In 2009, 69,947 children had parental rights terminated by the courts, yet only 57,466 were adopted.

•Children often wait three years or more to be adopted, move three or more times in foster care and often are separated from siblings. The average age of waiting children is 8 years old.

•Last year, 29,471 children turned 18 and left the foster care system without an adoptive family.

•Adopting from foster care is affordable. Most child welfare agencies cover the costs of home studies and court fees, and provide post-adoption subsidies. Thousands of employers offer financial reimbursement and paid leave for employees who adopt and Federal and/or state adoption tax credits are available to most families.

•Every child is adoptable. Many children in foster care have special needs. All of them deserve the chance to grow up in a safe, loving, permanent home. Support and other post-adoption resources are available.

•Adopting from foster care is permanent. Once a child is adopted out of foster care, the birth parents cannot attempt to claim them or fight in court for their return. A family formed through foster care adoption is forever.

•According to a National Adoption Attitudes Survey commissioned by the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, 63 percent of Americans hold a favorable view of adoption and 78 percent think more should be done to encourage adoption.

•Nearly 40 percent of American adults, or 81.5 million people, have considered adopting a child, according to the National Adoption Attitudes Survey. If just one in 500 of these adults adopted, every waiting child in foster care would have a permanent family.



NOTE: Statistical source is Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System; Department of Health & Human Services (October 2009), unless otherwise stipulated.
 

It's November - Happy National Adoption Month!

It's National Adoption Month!

Each day, I will post facts to our blog about adoption.

So, please come back daily to learn something new. 

Gracious Answers to Awkward Questions About Our Adopted Kids

When we adopt a child who looks different from us, we generally feel we can handle the stares and loss of privacy that go with the territory. We may find, however, that the frequent questions and comments of strangers and relatives sometimes annoy and worry us. At the heart of our anger and anxiety is the fear that our adopted child will be hurt by thoughtless questions, or that their older siblings, who look less exotic, will feel neglected, but this need not happen.

It is reassuring to realize that even seemingly insensitive questions are nearly always well intentioned, and that they actually provide AN EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY TO EXPRESS OUR DELIGHT AND PRIDE in our adopted children (as well as in their siblings who were born to us). The attention that our children receive is generally very positive, even when the inquirer's choice of words is not ideal.

Our answers to questions about a foreign-born child should also include any bio-kids who are present:

Q: Where did you get this dear little one? Where is she from?

A: She was born in Korea, and her brother here was born in Albany. (Most people will pick up on your inclusion of the older child and start including him, too, if you furnish answers about both to EACH question asked about the adopted child.)

We can start early to practice answers that will AFFIRM THE CHILDREN, preparing for the day when they will be old enough to understand:

Q: Isn't she a lucky little girl? What wonderful people you are!

A: We're the lucky ones, to have such a wonderful child!

Q: And do you also have children of your own?

A: Just these two. (This affirms adopted kids as our own.)

Q: Are they REAL brother and sister?

A: They are NOW! (This clarifies that adoption makes us a real family.)

Q: Where did he get that beautiful tan?

A: God gave it to him.

Q: How could the mother have given up such a lovely child?

A: It was very hard for the birthmother, but she just couldn't take care of ANY baby. (This reassures the child that there was nothing wrong with him or her.)

Q: What do you know about the real parents?

A: Well, we're his real parents, actually, since we're bringing him up.

Q: Oh, of course--I meant the natural parents.

A: We don't know very much about the birthparents. How have you been? How was your summer?

In nearly all cases, the questions reflect pleasure and delight in our families, and they can generally be answered very briefly and cheerfully, with a smile. If you are out shopping, it is fairly easy to avoid prolonging the discussion by saying, "Bye, now!" and moving from the peaches to the potatoes. If we are trapped into a longer conversation in a supermarket line or in a social situation (and the children are old enough to understand what is said), we have several options:

Give a constructive response, then change the subject.

Answer with, "I'm glad you're interested in adoption. Let me give you my phone number and we can talk later. Can you call me tonight?

Give at oblique answer, rather than a direct one, if it seems a direct answer to a particular question would be awkward for us, the questioner, or the children:

Q: How much does an adoption cons these days?

A: It's about the same as giving birth in a hospital, if you don't have maternity coverage and allow for complications.

Q: Do you have any pictures of his parents?

A: Oh, yes, we've got albums of our whole family.

Responses such as the above can gently educate others, especially if said with a smile. BUT WE ARE ANSWERING PRIMARILY FOR OUR CHILDREN'S EARS. In the few seconds that we have to prepare our response, we need to make a quick decision as to what words will best support our child's self-esteem, protect the child's privacy about his origins, and/or clarify that adoption builds "real" families with their "own" children. (The right answers come more quickly with practice.) Until more people learn the modern vocabulary of "birth parents" and "children by birth" we're bound to be asked occasional seemingly insensitive questions about the child's "real parents" and our "own" children. I believe that the fault is really in our outdated language more than in the person asking an awkward question. True, some people are not as sensitive as they might be, but usually they have a genuine interest and we would rather not embarrass them (and risk making things worse). We can generally find a gracious answer that will affirm the child without sounding critical of the person asking the question.

The key to a successful response is one that we can say in a friendly, matter-of-fact voice, without showing impatience or anger. It is easier to avoid annoyance with questions and remarks if we remember that

(1) we have chosen to build a family in a way that inevitably attracts attention but may help other children to be adopted, and

(2) the children needn't be hurt by others' questions and remarks if we respond appropriately.

An angry or rude retort on our part (even when it seems justified) is much more likely to cause our child distress and anxiety than anything a stranger, friend, or relative might say. It could signal to the child that there is something upsetting to us about him or his adoption. In a pinch, humor can save the day:

Q: Are you babysitting?

A: No time for that, now that I have these two of my own!

Q: Whose little darlings are these?

A: Ours! We adopted the big boys from Korea, and the two-year-old is homemade. (Some of us may find it helpful to volunteer all this information to forestall a subsequent question about whether the child who matches us is "our own".)

There are times when we may need to let a particular comment pass and help our child to understand it later. Recently my husband and I were entertaining one of his important clients, and our Colombian-born son was present. The client remarked that she had friends who had adopted two Korean children and later had had two children "of their own." It seemed best not to risk offending the woman by correcting her choice of words.. The next day I asked our son it he had been bothered by the remark, explaining it as a problem in our language. He replied that he hadn't minded it at all. I felt reassured that whatever damage might be done by others is within my power to assess, and to repair if necessary.

This incident was also a reminder to me that our kids are often more resilient than we imagine when it comes to weathering an occasional unfortunate remark. In our early discussions with our children about birth parents, we can explain that "real parents" are actually people who are bringing up children who are THEIR OWN by birth or adoption, and that many people are confused about this. This point should ideally be made before kindergarten, where other children may question our children about their "real parents" when we're not there to explain that THAT'S WHO WE ARE!

If we are upset by the frequency of well-intentioned friendly remarks, we can ask ourselves why this is so. Are we naturally rather private people who feel we weren't sufficiently warned by our agency or friends that a loss of anonymity is almost inevitable when our child is of a different race? Are we simply tired of explaining to new people, feeling that somehow they should know the answers that we've given to so many others? Is it painful to be reminded so often of our infertility by questions that focus on the fact our child is different? Our agencies stand ready to assist us with any post-finalization problems we may have, and our adoptive parent support group cane help as well.

Although we may not always feel comfortable about having our family the center of so much attention, the situation certainly does have its benefits. For one thing, the subject of adoption comes up naturally on many occasions, so we develop comfort in discussing adoption in our children's presence even before they understand the concept. Also, the encounters give us frequent opportunities to say positive, supportive things about our children (and about adoption) within their hearing. Some people have observed that adopted children who do not resemble their families often tend to feel more positive about their adoption than those who match their adoptive parents. This is presumably because the fact of adoption is so obvious that the subject has necessarily been an open one from the time of the child's arrival. It is something the child has always known, rather than a subject to be breached someday with trepidation as a potentially shocking fact of life.

Deborah McCurdy, MSW, is Adoption Supervisor at Beacon Adoption Center in Great Barrington, MA. She is also an adoptive mother.

Credits: Deborah McCurdy, MSW
http://www.adoption.com/