Our hearts whispered your name, and God answered.

Laying in bed last night, I started thinking.

This is nothing new because my mind has constantly been racing, contemplating, worrying, trying to make sense of it all, processing so many changes, etc. for several years now.  It seems there is always something to worry about to take away from other joys in our life.  I can't let this happen anymore.  I never got overly happy during our adoption process during the exciting moments, because I was always worried about the next set back.  I know that isn't how God wants us to live, but it is so hard for me to just give it all to him to worry about.  I pray it, but the worry is still there.  Bro. Tilghman had his status this morning as "When we feel that the Lord has let us down, we need to realize that in His great wisdom, He is doing something even greater than we asked."  I needed that today and I think many of my Facebook friends and family need to hear it, too.  Another Facebook friend had her status yesterday as "Feeling anxiety-ridden, like the last years of stressors make me feel gun-shy about life...flinching at everything. Ever feel that way?!"  Would you believe that there were 35 comments under her status stating that they felt the same way?  That is verification to me, that I'm not alone and YOU aren't either.

JMc's birthday is fastly approaching and so is his finalization.

Last night I was thinking back to where we were a year ago.

Here is a recap from www.jmbenefield.com, our Baby Jelly Beans website.

November 2009

2nd - Filled Out Waiting Child Application

3rd - Dr. Allen Reviewed Medical File

4th - Accepted Referral!!!

5th - Filled out Questionnaires

16th - Conference Call With Holt

17th - WE WERE ACCEPTED!!!

December 2009

14th - Daniel's Physical

16th - Stacy's Physical

16th - Mailed I-600A Application

16th - Korea Program Called to Welcome us

January

7th - New Medical Report

11th - Received Photo

13th - FBI Fingerprinting

20th - Homeland Security (I-600A) Fingerprinting

20th - Meeting with Catholic Charities

20th - Septic Tank Approved

23rd - Pre-Adopt Class

27th - New Medical Report

February

3rd - New Medical Report

11th - Chose God Parents

15th - Daniel's Birthday!

15th - Daniel's FBI Fingerprints Approved

Stacy's had to be redone

16th - Redone Stacy's FBI Fingerprints

23rd - New Medical Report

 

The only thing on our March timeline was this:
March

21st - Happy 1st Birthday Bak Ha-su

 

Then in April, we began to see more movement in our process.  March 21st was a big day for our boy.  I wondered if he had a party, how his foster family celebrated his 1st birthday, what it would have been like had he spent that first birthday with us?  As time passes, I'm more and more thankful that he was able to have his Dol and first birthday with his foster family in his birth country.  We have wonderful photos showing us the huge celebrations and so many smiling faces.  It's bittersweet, indeed.

I'm honored that he was able to spend these important days with the family that cared for him the first 17 months of his life.  I am forever grateful to them, and I look forward to spending the rest of JMc's important days with him.  I can't wait to send photos back to Korea of his second birthday to let his foster family know that we, too, are taking care of their sweet Bak Ha-su and that he still has that beautiful smile planted on his face.

 

With all of this said, the thought that I could not shake last night was that this sweet little perfect baby boy laying beside me was on an online photo listing.  How could someone so perfect, so precious, so special ever be placed on an online photo listing?  That breaks my heart to ever have to tell him that his picture was posted.  What if he has the feeling that for 7.5 months of his life, he was not wanted by anyone?  I know this isn't true.  He was placed there so that I could find him.  So he could make it to his forever home.  As his birthday nears, I can't help but think of his foster family and of his birth family.  We are so happy and party planning, but they are in Korea wondering where their boy is.  How he is doing?  What are the characteristics that make him Bak Ha-su?  His birth mother is probably wondering if she was right in naming him.  Is he living happy with a happy smile?  Yes mam, he is.  I wish so badly that I could tell her that and put her mind to rest.

 

I'm so honored that so many of our family and friends have told me that they are coming to John McRae's party.  This is so much more than a birthday party under a pavilion, with an Elmo cake and balloons, ice cream, a 4ft inflatable Elmo, chips, dip and sandwiches...

This is John McRae's first birthday with his forever family.  This is the weekend before he is officially John McRae Ha-su Benefield.  In a week, he will no longer be Bak Ha-su.  He will officially be our son forever.

It's a special, special couple of weeks for our family and we are so very blessed to have all of you to share it with.  I can't wait to send these birthday and finalization pics to Korea to show just how happy and loved our boy is. :)

XOXO,

Stacy